Animals jokes → Dumb Crooks Roundup

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIESTHEY COULD COME IN HANDY

    A repeat offender got a
life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73
worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart
store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his
petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three
years ago, Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY

    An unemployed sanitation
worker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. In
a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went
off, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someone
else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his
underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed
weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent
career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The
man’s public defender calls that “ridiculous,” and says the man’s injury is
punishment enough.

HEYWHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?

    A luckless thief pleaded
guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The
thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him
to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the
dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK

    A thief in Myrtle Beach,
South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you’re going to steal restaurant
equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner’s grandchildren before setting
the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni’s Pizzeria in
Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.
A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant —
where cops found pictures of Ubbing’s grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The
owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!

    During a high school
break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms
and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they
couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded
and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a
digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the
snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The
suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D
LOOK…!

    A Nevada fugitive wanted on
fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a
job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status
during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests
before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of
getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.

AND FINALLY

    Admitting his 0-4 record is
not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog
for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first
owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,
drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express
train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness “and do something
silly.”

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