Uncategorised jokes → Love Letters Wife/Husband

To my darling wife:

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 356 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is in average of once every ten days. The following is a list why I did not succeed more often.

1 We will wake the kids 34 times

2 It is too late 15 times

3 I am too tired 12 times

4 It is too early 12 times

5 It is too hot 18 times

6 Pretending to be asleep 18 times

7 The neighbours will hear 6 times

8 Headache and / or backache 28 times

9 Your mother will hear us 9 times

10 Not in the mood 21 times

11 Watching the late show 17 times

12 Too sore 26 times

13 New hairdo 6 times

14 Wrong time of month 14 times

15 You had to go to bathroom 10 times

16 Sunburn 10 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always satisfying because:

6 times you just lay there

8 times you reminded me there is a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry and get over with it 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished

And once I was afraid I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

To my darling husband:

I think things are a little bit confused. Here are the reasons you did not get more than you did.

1 Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 14 times

2 Did not come home at all 35 times

3 Did not come 21 times

4 Came too soon 33 times

5 Went soft before came in 19 times

6 Cramp in your legs 16 times

7 Working too late 38 times

8 Had yeast ‘probably from the toilet seat’ 29 times

9 Caught it in your zipper 15 times

10 Had a ‘cold’ – nose kept running 21 times

11 Coffee was too hot, burned your tongue 9 times

12 Had a problem in your finger 11 times

The reason I lay still, was because you missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to having such a good time, I did not want to move and ruin it for you. I was not talking about the crack in the ceiling — what I said was ‘Would you like me on my back or kneeling’.

The time I was thrashing around was because you had farted and I was fighting for air!

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