Jokes-o-matic^.com

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought: "He’s trying to pull a fast one."

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin."

So I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays."

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

You see, my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes: he’s a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom – I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

He said: "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said: "I’ll take that as a condiment."

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran, even he’s a witch.

And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags: he’s bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought: "That’s a turtle disaster."