Whatever jokes → Fast Food Job Application

    This is an actual job
application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment…

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha
ha.  But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus
stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle
management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,
Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes,
but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more
appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

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