Uncategorised jokes → Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, “You’re next!”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Q: What’s 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What’s green and gets you pissed?
A: A Giro

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “coping with darkness”

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get fucked.

Q. What’s the definition of “trust”?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: What is the speed limit for sex?
A: 68 – because if you go 69 you turn over

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night

Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: “Vagitarian”

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can’t see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What’s got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: What’s the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One’s mad cow’s disease and the other’s an agricultural problem.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott’s cell mate.

Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet.

Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q: What’s got four legs, and goes “Woof”?
A: Piper Alpha.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s probably screwed in too tight anyway.

Q: What’s got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What’s got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.

Woman: “I’ve got acute angina”.
Man: “Your tits aren’t bad either”.

Q: What’s got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They’re both OK for a ride until your mates find out.

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

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